the review.

Disneyland ( Theme Park )

A

I’m not gonna go into why Disneyland is ridiculously awesome, but here is the breakdown I wrote my friends in an email right when we got home:

1. Splash Mountain                            9.7     

I think on a hotter day this would’ve been more apparent, but I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. 

2. Space Mountain                            9.5      

This ride is killer.  Nice length, no bullshit.  Maybe one more thing big happening would make it a winner. 

3. Indiana Jones                                9.4

Really solid line, great JRD video beforehand, and great, unique ride.  10 more feet on that last drop and I’m in love. 

4. Fantasmic!                                    9.3

I really enjoy projected water effects, classic Disney characters, and sappy good vs. evil conflicts.  Three Strikes. 

5. Finding Nemo                                8.8

Nothing super spectacular, but just a change of pace and really well done effects made me happy. 

6. Matterhorn                                    8.7

Liked this one. Could’ve used one more run to form a higher opinion.  Sort of a basic rollercoaster on a bobsled.

7. Pheening Ariel                              8.6

Really nailed this one.  I can’t imagine they were going for anything else. 

8. Mad Tea Party                              8.6

This was a good length and surprisingly fun.  I felt terrible afterwards though. 

9. Haunted Mansion                          8.5

I think this might actually be a low rank but there are so many good things.  This was just solid all around. 

10. Thunder Mountain                        8.3

This one disappointed me because I had such big memories.  Pretty good all told though.  Worst Mountain by a mile. 

11. Peter Pan                                   8.2

Really enjoyable, if childish, storybook ride that made me smile.  Quick enough but still cohesive.  

12. Star Tours                                  8.0

That girl was overrated but the ride was underrated.  Pretty fun.  Bigger jolts would’ve made this great.                  

13. Pirates of the Caribbean              7.4

I liked this.  Pretty good overall.  One out of place drop at the beginning and then easy sailing from there. 

14. Dumbo                                      7.2

Very enjoyable in a creepy way.  Liked this way too much I think.  

15. Buzz Lightyear Blasters             6.9

Pretty nice.  I’ve seen similar at Universal “MiB”. Kregg sabotaged me.  Pictures were cool at the end. 

16. Foodie                                      6.5

Solid cat.  Did we find out if those people owned it?

17. Pinocchio                                  6.1

Wait a minute - he doesn’t become a real boy at the end!!!  Unbelievable. 

18. Snow White                              5.8

This was Snow White: Memento version.  

19. Autopia                                     5.5

Pretty boring.  You should be able to ram people.  And bad for the environment.  Zzzzzz. 

20. Tiki Tiki Room                           2.9

This would be last save that Pineapple Whip.  Give me a break with that one face.  

21. That Duck                                 2.1

It was a duck. 

22. Jungle Cruise                            0.0

They should hand out copies of this email and they’d get more laughs.  BOyoyoyoyoyoyING. 

**THINGS THAT I’M ACTUALLY MAD WE MISSED NOW THAT I LOOK THEM UP**

1. Sleeping Beauty Castle Experience

2. Innovations

3. Toon Town

4. That pigeon

Slumdog Millionaire ( Movie )

B -

Didn’t somebody say this movie was good or something?  I honestly thought I heard that the other day.   I must’ve been mistaken because this movie was pretty much average.  What an overrated piece of shit actually.  This is akin to Hitler’s promises to the Germans.  Why did anyone believe that garbage?  Once things got going though, it was too late to go back.  I feel like that’s what has happened to this movie.  Someone said something good about it (probably Ebert, who recently gave Paul Blart three stars), and now everyone is too invested in it to tell the truth about it.

Here’s the deal with it.  First things first, Danny Boyle, you grade A douchebag, learn how to use subtitles and language consistency.  The subtitles look like a VH1 pop up video and are annoying and hard to read.  Also, your characters don’t speak english for the first 40 minutes of the movie, and then all of a sudden speak fluent english exclusively for the duration.  Is that really a strong choice, sir? 

For those of you that don’t know, this movie is about a 20 year old kid that becomes a national hero by winning 20 million rupees on India’s version of ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’ The producers think he cheated, because apparently even doctors and lawyers can’t get past the 60,000 rupees mark (which is by the way, bullshit), and they beat and torture past memories out of him of how he knows all the answers. 

Reread that last paragraph, because you probably thought it was a bit.  That’s actually what the movie is about.  It’s the most forced, in my throat plot I’ve seen since Air Force One.  The movie succeeds in depicting India, and it succeeds in telling the story of the protagonist Jamal.  But who gives a fuck? I mean really?  Depicting a small section of a country well does not a great movie make.  City of God suffered from the same problem in my opinion, except that it succeeded in so many other ways that it ended up being a really fantastic movie. 

And another thing.  Boyle ‘Ridley Scotts’ the SHIT out of this movie.  Who thought it was a good, artistic idea to slow frame rate down to like 4 fr/sec ?  It’s one of the most annoying things a director can do, and it’s done ALOT in this movie.  Please stop.  You’re embarassing yourself. 

Movie moves along fine.  It’s well acted.  It references the Three Musketeers several times, which saved it from a C rating.  It’s not too long.  But give me a fucking break with a Best Pic nom.  Go watch Milk and jerk somebody off. 

Handjobs ( Courtesy )

D

I’ve had a few handjobs lately, and I have to be honest with the few of you still reading here, they sucked.  I mean let’s get right down to it - if I wanted a sweaty palm slapping my cock high five I’d reach down my trousers and yank it myself.  Get down there and get to business.  What is this, 5th grade?  Fuck. 

It’s just rude.  Didn’t your parents ever teach you any manners?  You really think your inexperienced quick jerk, or that awkward nervous squeeze is making me happy?  Don’t you think I would be a little more elated with a little mouth hug and a reach around?  It’s called orchestration people.  If you’re gonna step on the court you better learn to play ball(s). 

It’s one thing to use the handy dandy as a warm up for things to come (!), but featuring your mit as the main event is just wrong.  That’s like pitting Burt Reynolds against Dakota Fanning in a moustache growing contest.  I’m not exactly sure how it’s like that, but it’s the first thing that came to mind.  Did I ever tell you guys how I went to this sex shop one time and there were all these fake vaginas and fake mouths, and then they had a “gay” section mixed in, and the only difference between the “straight: fake mouth and the “gay” fake mouth was a drawn on black moustache.  Unreal.

So next time you’re with a boy, remember this mantra:

“Hands before mouth, so long as you go south”.

Boston ( city )

A

This website is bullshit.  Is that really how long it’s been since I posted last?  I doubt it.  Anyways.  Boston is sick.  I think I should just use a top ten list format to explain why Boston is better than everywhere else.

1.  Size. Boston is a 45 minute walk from end to end.  That’s a really good thing.  You can take a cab anywhere in the city for under 20 bucks, and you can do an actual pub crawl without a marathon number.

2.  People.  The people in Boston are hardworking and down to earth or college students.  When you go out at night in Boston, you find people that you can actually talk to that don’t want to know what you drive or how you can help them in their “career”.

3. Education.  Massachusetts has a great education program, and an even better higher learning reputation.  The best in the world actually.  Harvard, BU, BC and MIT are all within 4 miles of Boston Commons.  3 of the top 25 law schools in the country are in Boston.   Boston is just straight up smarter than other cities.  It has the highest ratio of college students in the country, roughly 1 in 5.

4. Healthcare.  2 words: Mass General.  We have the 1st best Gynecology Hospital in the country (Brigham and Women’s) We have the 4th best ENT (Mass Eye and Ear), and Cancer centers in the country (Dana Farber). The 4th best heart disease and heart surgery (Mass Gen). Number 1 & 4 for kidney disease (B&W, Mass Gen), number 3 for Neurology (Mass Gen).  Orthopedic surgeons are ranked 4th in the country at Mass Gen.  We’re ranked 1 & 4 in Psychaitry (Mass Gen, McLean). The 2nd best Children’s Hospital in the country, maybe even the world (Children’s Hospital of Boston).  And we’re the only city to have 2 hospitals in the top 10 in the country.  If you need a specialist, you’re either going to John Hopkin’s or Mass General. 

5. Sports.  Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics.  Give me a break. 

6. Me.  Me.

7. Rain.  It rains in Boston! It snows!  Then we have GREENERY!   Everything is nice, and isn’t paved and stupid.  There are people enjoying the weather, instead of constantly bitching about it.  You can do different things based on what the weather is like.  You can wear different things based on weather.  You can have variety and see nature’s beauty.

8. Night life.  I’m not gonna say that Boston has the best night life in the country, but it has a feel to it that is certainly unique.  Granted, the bars close at 2 (for the most part), which sucks, but the bars are way cleaner and nicer and in way better locations than most any other bars in the country.  Boston has a couple spots that have rows of bars lined up.  We have Faneuil Hall, which is about 100 yards from Boston Harbor.  It has over 25 bars in a 1 mile strip!  It’s well lit and easy to access by Train, Bus, and cab.  The lines outside are reasonable (except for Ned Divine’s).  The prices of the drinks are reasonable.  The difficulty of picking up women is reasonable.  There are at least 5 other niches like this throghout Boston.  Boyston St., Harvard St, Cleveland Circle, Harvard Sq., and even Tremont St. (alot more sketchy, but still).  We have the restaurant areas of Charles st. and Newbury St.  Comm Ave.  Kenmore Sq.!  I just thought of like 5 more places just like that.  Rather than list them, let me tell you why the “big 3” cities in Nightlife actually kinda suck.

        a. Los Angeles.  LA bars are spread out ALL over the city.  You have to drive everywhere, and once you’re there you’re either stuck, have to take a really expensive cab ride somewhere else, or drive drunk.  The bars are trendy, really expensive, and filled with really really terrible people.  Granted, it is fairly easy to have sex with a stupid whore in LA, but you have to spend about 250 dollars and feel like a real douchebag.

       b.  Las Vegas.  Vegas is great, but it gets old, fast.  You drink for free in Casinos, but when you want to actually go out, you have to either walk the 3 mile strip or take a cab that has a line just to get into it.  Then you’re expected to tip the guy whose job is to literally wave his hand at cabs for you.  Then once you get to the bar, there is a 800 person line to get into a place that charges 12 dollars for a well rum in coke that has a measure 1 oz jigger of Gilbert’s in it.  Then  you have to deal with the hordes of asian women that just want to dance awkwardly in a space that’s way too small and way too big at the same time.  And you can smoke in clubs and you end up just smelling and feeling terrible.  Again though, this can be fun every once in a while and isn’t nearly as bad as LA, since you can just stumble back to your hotel with a hooker for about the same price as you would’ve spent in LA trying to pick up a materialistic future porn star.

       c. New York.  New York night life is actually pretty awesome.  And I don’t know too much about it since I’ve only been to New York city at night about 5-6 times.  It’s really really big though, which I think I like at times, but might get sick of.  It’s basically like 4 Bostons in one.  Pretty good.  I prefer walking everywhere though, so I still give Boston the cake.

9. History.  Boston has the best history in the country.  Besides having awesome landmarks and great things to tour and see, it has a great sense of pride that no other city can match (maybe Philly, but Philly is a fucking joke).  With this storied past, we have incredible architecture and richly cultured neighborhoods.  You actually get the feeling that every street has a 400 year history to it as you walk by the different neighborhoods.  The way the scenes change as you take a stroll around the freedom trail is inspiring.  Amazing attention to detail and incredible stories of heroic event that shaped this entire country. 

10.  Location.  Is there anywhere in the U.S., nay, the world, that has a better location than Beantown?  We are in the heart of New England, nestled along the coast of the beautiful Atlantic ocean.  Surrounded by some of the most beautiful ‘burbs in the country.  Within an hour you can drive to Salem to see the house of Seven Gables, Gloucester to see the site of Mark Wahlberg’s Perfect Storm, Marblehead to see really huge houses, Martha’s Vineyard, Cape Cod, Swampscott.  Within 2 hours you can be in Providence, Kennbunkport, Kittery, Springfield (actually Springfield is a little farther, and sucks).  Whatever though, the point is that Boston is surrounded by greatness, and you should all go there.  But don’t move there, cause you would ruin it.  We don’t want your kind, you’ve already been tainted by your second-tier upbringing.

Apple ( Company )

D

I think it’s high time I posted again.  I’ve had a solid month to try and find something positive to post about, since I’ve been relatively negative lately.  Unfortunately, it’s been a brutal month for Earth.  John McCain sucks, Sarah Palin sucks, Barak Obama sucks and Joe Biden sucks. F. F. F. F. Burn After Reading sucked. F. The World Is Flat, eh. C.  Gossip Girl season 2 premier - awesome. A-.  Other than that though, just a boring month.  Everything is leaving me with a really awful feeling of emptiness.  Does anyone know anything anymore? 

Anyways (that was the 4th word out of the past 5 to start with “any”), I think I’ll let you folks all know why Apple Inc. is one of the worst companies on the planet. 

There are some really great reasons to hate Mac, which I will get to in a minute, but I think it’s important to first get some facts out there about the actual performance of the Mac’s most famous product: The computer.  Granted, Apply has had incredible publicity with the Ipod line, Iphones, and even Itunes, but the great bulk of Apple Inc. is and will probably forever be it’s line of horribly ugly desktops and pretty good looking laptops.  As such, the Desktop is where I will begin.

1) Fuck you, Mac OS X

2) Fuck you, Mac Computers

That about sums it up, but maybe you’d like some hard evidence.  Macs are about half as fast as their PC equivalents.  You might not have heard of this statistic before, because you’re probably an Apple fanboy that only goes to Apple websites or other fanboy websites.  Did you know that Apple monitors and EDITS the forums on websites that they sponsor?  I’m so surprised that they have good PR.  They have positions at their company for people to surf the web and edit bad opinions of them.  Wow.  Just wow.  Did you know that to build a PC from newegg.com with AT LEAST the same specs as the most expensive Mac, it would cost you 1,168 dollars less, and include a 19” widescreen LCD screen?  And that according to Adobe tests, would run Photoshop 191% faster?  That seems like a pretty ridiculous purchase, stupid Mac user.

Are you an artist or producer who wants to publish content on Itunes? Go here: http://www.aesthete-lounge.net/blog/2008/4/11/why-apple-sucks.html . Apple takes at least 1/3 of your profits.  They effectively own the rights to your material.  Sounds great. 

Oh by the way, want to upgrade your desktop seemlessly? It should be really easy to shop around for the best hardware and insta… oh shit.  Apple doesn’t allow ANYONE else to make hardware for their computers.  Damn.  Send your computer into an Apple store and get another gig of Ram for 180 dollars.  Or buy 4gb of ram for 79 dollars from newegg.com and install it yourself in less than 5 minutes. I promise. I’ve done it 20 times.  Anyone that buys a Mac desktop is a boner.

I’m already sick of the responses I’m gonna get from this post so I’m in turn getting sick of posting about it.  Apple laptops are just as pretentious, but they are WAY better deals.  They are only a few hundred dollars more expensive than their windows-using counterparts.  And they actually look nice.  But they’re still impossible to upgrade, far too expensive, and good for basically writing scripts and listening to illegal music. 

IPhone is basically what Hitler would’ve built.  All the articles I read about how awful Apple is handling user Apps actually are what lead to this post.  Which leads me to my ultimate point.  Forget all these facts and opinions, because you can surf the web and find 1000 articles that agree or disagree with me (if you want to know how fast a PC is, go use one - they work.  I’ve had my current self-built PC for over 3 years and it can run Dreamweaver, Photoshop, and Vegas at the same time while surfing the web and downloading music, with no problems.  It’s a little slow, but it cost 400 dollars 3 years ago, so that can be expected.  It’s a matter of how stupid you are and how you manage your files).

And here it is: Apple is everything they paint Microsoft to be.  This is just like anything in life.  Projection, as Freud would say.  Republicans project on Democrats and Democrats project on Republicans.  Apple wants you to think you are part of a priveleged class to be using their products.  They charge obscene and downright offensive prices for products that simply don’t work as well as PC’s.  Apple doesn’t ALLOW other people to make content or software or hardware for their computers!!! Isn’t that enough of a deal breaker?!  They launch horrible smear campaigns at Windows, who does NOTHING in return.  The spend BILLIONS on marketing to make you think you’re hip for using your Mac - you’re not!! You’re just a sheep in Steve Jobs incredibly greedy pocket.  Now, is Microsoft great? No, it has tons of problems.  But of the two, Apple is the evil empire.  They are gonna keep releasing new versions of YOUR IPod every 9 months.  They could just allow removable storage devices and have an upgrade cost 100 dollars less, but why should they? Every time they make the screen on that Nano 1 cm bigger, all the Jobsians will run to Best Buy and get 3 of them.  Blah.

Tropic Thunder ( Movie )

F

I want to say that this review is going to be about justifying this next statement: Tropic Thunder is the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life.  Granted, I have not seen The Happening OR Southland Tales, but still, that is a pretty big statement.  Tropic Thunder stars the following unfunny people: Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Danny McBride, Matthew McConnaghy, Tom Cruise, Brandon T. Jackson, Steve Coogan (sorry, I have yet to see him be funny, although I do hear he has an incredible British TV show from reliable sources), and Bill Hader (again, apologies, but he just isn’t funny onscreen).  It’s almost as if someone tried to round up the most overrated comedians they could find and put them in one picture.  Fortunately, they added Robert Downey Jr., but even he falls flat in this atrocity.

I don’t even feel like talking about it really.  It’s really really bad.  Every joke is preplanned, nothing organic or improvised happens.  Not one joke got even a slight smirk out of me, save the opening trailer with Tobey McGuire, which made me laugh out loud.  The real issue is this - why give it the rank of absolute worst? 

Here is a list of answers for you:

- This movie cost over 115 million dollars to produce (The GDP of several small countries, like Anguilla) .

- Ben Stiller is in it.

- Ben Stiller wrote it.

- Ben Stiller directed it.

- Ebert gave it 3.5 Stars

- I could see about 75% of where the money went, and not a dollar of it was worth it.  Except Coogan blowing up, which was the best part of the movie.  I didn’t laugh, which is a problem since this is a comedy, but I enjoyed the move. 

I’m honestly tired.  That’s how you know this was bad, because I’m not tired at all, but I just lied right then so I could stop writing.  I implore you not to see this so that we can get Ben Stiller out of Hollywood. I might start a petition.  Stay tuned.

Pineapple Express ( Movie )

C -

I have to quote some fellow reviewers at the top of this review just because I’m utterly baffled:

“You’ll go limp from laughing.”  - Travers

“As a result, yes, it’s a druggie comedy that made me laugh.” - Ebert (***1/2!)

“As loose and playful as major studio movies get.” - Onion  (91!)

What?!?!!  What movie were these people watching?! The movie is absolutely unwatchable until the last 10 minutes, which are pretty good at best.  Dear David Gordon Green, learn how to leave the camera on something that is good!  Every time something moderately entertaining is about to happen (re: James Franco is onscreen), he cuts to something stupid (re: Seth Rogen). Don’t get me wrong, Rogen is fine.  He acts like himself in every role he’s ever been in:  An awkward, slightly funny stoner that rambles alot and gets old after about 15 minutes.  This movie takes really boring locations and has really boring things happen in them.  Sure, there are laughs to be had, mainly when we see Franco reduced to a child by incredibly powerful weed.  Otherwise, it’s really talky and not that smart.  Not smart you say? A criticism of a pot movie you wonder? Yes!  Pot movies can still be smart you fucking hippy.  Putting your thumb through your jean zipper while hitchhiking to simulate a penis is sort of funny, but cheap and stupid and not a reason to watch a movie again. 

Also, the “action” in this “first ever action weed comedy” is stupid.  There are about 3 action scenes, and they’re lame.  Real lame.  At least in Harold & Kumar (a better, still bad movie) someone rides a lion or a tiger or some shit.  I forget but I can imagine that if I was high that would’ve been funny.  There are none of those moments in this movie!! Someone gets an ashtray off the head, and I laughed, but come on, that’s not a high joke.  This movie is just so boringgggggg. 

Fist Foot Way guy by the way, is already annoying me.  You’re not Will Ferrell…….. For Christ’s sake, Will Ferrell isn’t even Will Ferrell anymore! Every 5 things he says is funny, but he says so many things that the good lines are lost in crappy jokes. 

I went into this movie really hoping that I would enjoy it.  I came out really nervous about Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow’s futures. It’s that bad.  Apatow, as predicted by some (re: Me), has used up his good jokes.  Rogen is beginning to show himself for who he truly is.  These two know how to do one thing, prove to the rest of Hollywood that it’s ok for gay guys to make movies about being gay.  If you think any Apatow movie is about anything else other than that, you need to rewatch his entire catalog.  Girls are an afterthought in every film, and not because he’s sexist, but because he loves guys.  I’m fine with it, but it’s getting old to disguise it as anything other than what it is.  Franco’s character, as my friend Craig said, was onto something great for the first half of this movie.  Unfortunately, there aren’t enough shots of him in the first 45 minutes, and by the time the camera finally gives him some time, his character has become a closet homosexual who admits his desires only when he is really really high. 

His “bromance” approach to every movie is getting real old.  We get it, guys are cool and do funny things when girls aren’t around.  All of a sudden a girl comes into the picture and the awkward guy whose funny to his nerd friends is speechless in front of the girl that’s way too hot for him.  Yawwwwnnn.

If anyone says anything about how this movie was “made really well and efficiently” and how “it’s the first of its kind” I’ll hit them.  Let me bottom line it for you:  This movie goes nowhere, and it’s gets there really slowly.  Franco tries to hoist this movie on his shoulders ala Heath Ledger, but doesn’t have the script on his side, or apparently the director.  By the time he ALMOST gets his chance, I just didn’t care anymore.  Only at the very end did they ALMOST grab me back, but it was too little, too late.   

Dianetics ( Book? )

F

I did it. I read Dianetics.  I thought that there might be something good in there, and I decided to give LRH a chance.  Whoops.  This is such a disaster that it’s amazing anyone could even get through it!  The only reason I finished it was because I have OCD and can’t stop reading a book once I started it. 

I’d like to start off by saying that nowhere in Dianetics did I read anything about Aliens or Alien intelligence tinkering with Earth life.  I’m not doubting that Scientology DOES preach that elsewhere, but it is not in this text.  So, it has that going for it I guess.  This book starts off slow, gets even slower, comes to a dead halt, I think probably reverses time at some point around page 300, and then just sort of pudders to the end.  He doesn’t say anything the entire time!!!

Basically, we are all wrought with past memories and blah blah blah.  Basically we have these engrams and we need to get rid of them to achieve “clear” status, where we will be able to have perfect vision, be immune to colds, and remember everything that ever happened to us, even if we were unconscious or asleep.  I don’t really know what else it says in the other 500 pages.  It was honestly so ridiculous that I didn’t retain anything.  He throws around the term “scientific fact” so often that even if whatever followed it WASN’T already ridiculous, I wouldn’t believe it.  It’d be like a real scienctific report to say “It’s a scientific fact that frogs are actually purple”.  If that was the case, you wouldn’t need to write “it’s a scientific fact” before saying it you jackass!!

Also, the opening of the book starts with saying that if you ever read something in your life, and you get to a word you don’t know, it’s not worth reading any further until you go and look up with that big word meant.  I sort of see where he is coming from here, and maybe even agree with him, but from that point in Dianetics on, he has footnotes for every word more than 2 syllables.  It’s so obnoxious.  Obnoxious would be defined at the bottom of this post if this were Dianetics.  I’m dead serious.  It’s written for a 10 year old. 

I can’t urge you strong enough to skip this book.  Whatever Scientology has to offer, it is NOT in this book, trust me.  If you really want to get into LRH, go to a Scientology Clinic and get a stress test and sign up, because this book is worthless.  Even though I borrowed this book, I burned it after reading, which my friend was fine with when I told him.

Hellboy II ( Movie )

C

Hellboy II is such an average movie that it’s ridiculous.  I really don’t understand why it’s getting such praise, but it needs to stop.  Firstly, why hasn’t the fact that Hellboy looks eerily like Ted Danson been exploited more?  Honestly, he looks exactly like him!! I mean, shit. 

I did absolutely lose it at one part of the movie, where Johann Strauss (brilliantly portrayed by Seth McFarlene) sings and dances after a pretty cliched ghost/locker room/hero from hell fight scene.  It’s by far the highlight of the movie, and worth the price of admission.

Aside from that though, the characters, action, and story are pretty bland.  Even Hellboy’s girlfriend has a fairly lame secret, which has a slight twist at the end that is pretty self-aware of how awful it is.  If you liked Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy, you’ll like this because it’s a mashing of the two of them into one movie.  

I would go on about this movie, but I saw it like 2 weeks ago, and it’s so forgettable that I can’t remember pretty much anything about it.  There is one scene with a plant monster that isn’t good, except the CGI afterwards looks pretty good for about 4 seconds.  Skip this one or rent it if you’re really desparate. 

Watchmen ( Graphic Novel )

B +

I hate giving so many B+’s and thinning it’s quality, but this is exactly how I felt this book needed to be rated.  First and foremost, I love Watchmen.  I thought it was a fun, quick, engaging read.  Any book that makes the reader think critically and entertains them at the same time is automatically a winner in my opinion.  Structurally speaking, Watchmen is perfect.  It moves along swiftly, doesn’t waste any time on extraneous matter, and hits all the right moments in terms of action, dialogue, and plot.  What the book lacks, however, like many almost perfect works, is real subtlety. 

Many would argue for one of two counterpoints to this statement.  One, that this is a graphic novel, and that this medium doesn’t, and maybe even can’t, call for subtlety.  This is a superhero book after all, and not a piece of classic literature.  Two, that this book actually is subtle in it’s subplots and secondary meanings within dialogue. 

Let me address both of these arguments.  This is a superhero book, sure, but not a very typical one.  We have one person with “super” powers, who basically acts as a stand in for God.  He is the questioner of all the themes of this book.  Even when he isn’t narrating, he is the narrator.  A being that can do anything he wants in any time period at any moment.  He walks on water in one of the last frames of the book.  He has seen strings and quarks and neutrinos.  If he questions materialism then so should we.  Besides him, who like I said, basically acts as a means to raise important questions, we have basically a crime novel where the detectives wear costumes.  One of the central themes is the examination of superheroes and superhero comic books.  This is in many ways a slap in the face to the 50 years of comics before it.  Nothing about this book is over the top, except it’s opinions.  Being subtle would’ve fit the structure perfectly.  Secondly, this book isn’t subtle in it’s various chapter breaks or Black Freighter comic-inside-a-comic.  I will get into that later.

What is good about this book?  The character development, the illustrations, the pacing, the ease at which it is read.  Everything makes sense, and everything flows.  The concepts are all there.  The universe is well defined, and easily believed.  The gadgets and toys are all real.  The fights seem real, the costumes are practical to a point.  Every character that is introduced is closed out by the end of it.  We are left with no strings to tie up on our own.  Well, one big one at the end, but this is just a summation of the theme of the book, and is very predictable.  You’ll see what I mean when you get there. Otherwise though, this is a nice, tight work.  Everyone should read it as it only takes about 3 or 4 hours. 

What is not so great about it?  It won’t change your life, that’s for sure.  Without reveleaing too much about the plot, which is difficult, suffice it to say that at no point should anything that is happening in the book’s panels confuse you.  Their double and sometimes triple meanings are either abudantly clear, or delicately explained very shortly after they occur.  Moore wants us to think ultiamtely about Morality.  Even if we are presented with the questioning of superheroes, authority, determinism, and much, much more, at the center of it all is Moore’s highly exagerated views on the moral code.  Each character is given an incredibly entertaining, often tragic, backstory to explain WHY they are the way they are, but in the end, they stand at different points along the moral spectrum.  One character will do what is morally right (which again, may be in question) all the time, regardless of the “ends”, whereas another character will do what is universally right in the end, regardless of the “means”.  This dynamic sets us up for a struggle that falls just short of being extremely gratifying.  In many ways though, Moore wants the ending to not quite get where we want it to. This is, after all, a very blatant criticism of what we formally knew as comics. 

In the end (if anything ever really ends), I am thoroughly impressed with this book.  Like most things, a little overhyped, but a worthy read.  I don’t like Moore’s opinions in my face, and it’s clear that he sympathizes most with Roarshach over everyone else.  This is where the points come off.  Moore almost pulls off tricking us into thinking that all these characters have equally valid points, but we know that he doesn’t really think so.  He has an opinion.  Many in fact.  He has an opinion about politics, about the economy, about the human condition, about the nature of man, about god and about determinism, and most importantly, about what it means to be moral in an immoral world.  So do I, and while I may agree with Roarshach or not, I don’t snidely write graphic novels about it - yet.