March 2009
1 post
Disneyland ( Theme Park )
A
I’m not gonna go into why Disneyland is ridiculously awesome, but here is the breakdown I wrote my friends in an email right when we got home:
1. Splash Mountain 9.7
I think on a hotter day this would’ve been more apparent, but I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt.
2. Space Mountain 9.5
This ride is...
February 2009
1 post
Slumdog Millionaire ( Movie )
B -
Didn’t somebody say this movie was good or something? I honestly thought I heard that the other day. I must’ve been mistaken because this movie was pretty much average. What an overrated piece of shit actually. This is akin to Hitler’s promises to the Germans. Why did anyone believe that garbage? Once things got going though, it was too late to go back. I feel like...
January 2009
1 post
Handjobs ( Courtesy )
D
I’ve had a few handjobs lately, and I have to be honest with the few of you still reading here, they sucked. I mean let’s get right down to it - if I wanted a sweaty palm slapping my cock high five I’d reach down my trousers and yank it myself. Get down there and get to business. What is this, 5th grade? Fuck.
It’s just rude. Didn’t your parents ever teach...
November 2008
1 post
Boston ( city )
A
This website is bullshit. Is that really how long it’s been since I posted last? I doubt it. Anyways. Boston is sick. I think I should just use a top ten list format to explain why Boston is better than everywhere else.
1. Size. Boston is a 45 minute walk from end to end. That’s a really good thing. You can take a cab anywhere in the city for under 20 bucks, and you can...
September 2008
1 post
Apple ( Company )
D
I think it’s high time I posted again. I’ve had a solid month to try and find something positive to post about, since I’ve been relatively negative lately. Unfortunately, it’s been a brutal month for Earth. John McCain sucks, Sarah Palin sucks, Barak Obama sucks and Joe Biden sucks. F. F. F. F. Burn After Reading sucked. F. The World Is Flat, eh. C. Gossip Girl...
August 2008
4 posts
Tropic Thunder ( Movie )
F
I want to say that this review is going to be about justifying this next statement: Tropic Thunder is the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. Granted, I have not seen The Happening OR Southland Tales, but still, that is a pretty big statement. Tropic Thunder stars the following unfunny people: Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Danny McBride, Matthew McConnaghy, Tom Cruise, Brandon T....
Pineapple Express ( Movie )
C -
I have to quote some fellow reviewers at the top of this review just because I’m utterly baffled:
“You’ll go limp from laughing.” - Travers
“As a result, yes, it’s a druggie comedy that made me laugh.” - Ebert (***1/2!)
“As loose and playful as major studio movies get.” - Onion (91!)
What?!?!! What movie were these people...
Dianetics ( Book? )
F
I did it. I read Dianetics. I thought that there might be something good in there, and I decided to give LRH a chance. Whoops. This is such a disaster that it’s amazing anyone could even get through it! The only reason I finished it was because I have OCD and can’t stop reading a book once I started it.
I’d like to start off by saying that nowhere in Dianetics did I...
Hellboy II ( Movie )
C
Hellboy II is such an average movie that it’s ridiculous. I really don’t understand why it’s getting such praise, but it needs to stop. Firstly, why hasn’t the fact that Hellboy looks eerily like Ted Danson been exploited more? Honestly, he looks exactly like him!! I mean, shit.
I did absolutely lose it at one part of the movie, where Johann Strauss (brilliantly...
July 2008
6 posts
Watchmen ( Graphic Novel )
B +
I hate giving so many B+’s and thinning it’s quality, but this is exactly how I felt this book needed to be rated. First and foremost, I love Watchmen. I thought it was a fun, quick, engaging read. Any book that makes the reader think critically and entertains them at the same time is automatically a winner in my opinion. Structurally speaking, Watchmen is perfect. It moves...
The Dark Knight ( Movie )
B +
The Dark Knight has so many problems that I can’t in good faith give it anything in the ‘A’ range. I apologize to all the fanboys and bloggers who think this is one of the best movies of all time. While I did enjoy myself, and I am a huge Batman fan, this movie failed on too many levels. As one of the two superhero trilogy’s that are based on my life, I have a...
The Incredible Hulk ( Movie )
B
The Incredible Hulk is a typical superhero movie that is hurt by the fact that this decade has seen a revival of great superhero films. Before there was Spiderman and Batman Begins, there was Batman & Robin and The Punisher, which almost spelt the end for not only superhero movies, but comics in general. With the recent surge of interest in the genetically mutated, it’s no mystery...
The Singularity Is Near ( book )
B
Ray Kurzweil is a terrible writer. He has a brilliant mind with alot to say, but he is stymied by the fact that he is incredibly reduntant, arrogant in his prose, and deep down a boring person. Singularity describes a future in which technology becomes so advanced that humans can transcend biology. Through Ray’s 3 fields, G, N, and R (Genetics, Robotics, and Nanotechnology), we will...
Comments on Top 25 List ( Editorial )
B -
While I do appreciate the comments and additions many of you offered, I can’t (obviously) say I agree with them. Let me explain. There are so far 3 movies I have to argue against. I’m not one to hold dearly to something, so if I agreed that I omitted something great, I would change this list in a heartbeat. Unfortunatetly, I don’t tihnk errors were made (yet).
Raising...
Top 25 Best Movies of All Time, for now ( List )
I have decided to add a new feature to “The Review”. Lists. It’s pretty self-explanatory. I will undertake a huge, debatable one right off the bat, to get things going. Let me say two things first. 1) Anyone that knows me knows that I have an inexplicable crush on the Kevin Costner Robin Hood adaptation. It will not be on this list, but everyone should travel back in time to...
June 2008
2 posts
WALL*E ( Movie )
A
WALL*E is the best movie I’ve seen in the past 1654 days, arguably longer. I have never, not once, had a better movie going experience than I just did. After watching the incredible Presto! short, I was delighted to the most engaging animated 97 minutes of all time. This is the new, futuristic Snow White or Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty or any other Disney classic. Rather than set...
LA Free Clinic ( Hospital )
A-
So I’m feeling really shitty last week, down on myself for not having insurance, when it hits me - they have free clinics in this city for struggling actors and illegal immigrants. I call on a wednesday, and they tell me to get there by 6:30 am because the line to get in can get long. They fail to tell me what time it actually opens, and when I call back, no one answers. I am...
May 2008
7 posts
Speedracer ( Movie )
F F.
Prince Caspian ( Movie )
C + It’s no secret that I’ve read each Narnia book over ten times. I used to read them starting the last day of school for about 13 or 14 years. For some reason, they remind me of summer and being 10 and discovering this awesome new world. And as I got older, the depth of each book became more and more apparent. First the obvious symbolism, then the intricate details, and now when...
Neighbors ( Movie )
F John Belushi’s final film is worse than his death. I really enjoy watching terrible movies on the MOJO HD channel or UHD ( a High-Def channel owned by Universal that plays only B-List Universal movies) really late at night. It’s actually my favorite vice. I should be asleep right now since I have to be in work in 5 hours, but I got caught up watching this terrible excuse for a...
Matthew Lillard ( Douchebag )
D It’s high time someone reviewed Matthew Lillard, and I think I’m the man for the job. In case you youngsters don’t know who he is, Matthew Lillard is a huge douchebag who in the late 90’s/early 00’s was considered for every supporting douchebag role that hollywood could bang out. Scream, Scream II, She’s All That, Wing Commander, Summer Catch, and Scooby...
Alex Trebek ( Game Show Host )
B Smug assholes everywhere envy Trebek’s ability to somehow patronize, talk down, and generally demean every contestant on Jeopardy and still appear likable. Some of Trebek’s favorite things to say after a wrong answer are “No, of course…” or “Wrong time period”, or “You might have been thinking of…”. Trebek literally has all the...
Krzr ( phone )
F There was a time, maybe 15 months ago, when I was very excited to get my brand new Motorola Krazor. The sleek design, the cutting edge bluetooth technology, even the MP3 playback excited me. When I first got it, I entered all of my contacts in at a rapid pace, spending all of my time downloading hip ringtones and portable versions of my favorite games like Jeopardy. I even had a cool...
4-Color Pens ( supply )
A - Frankly, I don’t know why they make single-color pens anymore. What a treat it is to write with a pen that has multiple colors for organizational purposes. I can’t stop thinking about all the professions that could benefit from these things. Waiters, Doctors, Hookers, Cartographers, Artists, Magicians, Investment Bankers. The list goes on and on. Writing a break up letter to...
April 2008
6 posts
Pixar ( studio )
A - Pixar is obviously great, but I think someone needs to take them, or maybe their fans, down a peg or two. Pixar has had a string of great, sometimes incredible, movies, but they have had misses. Toy Story I and II, Monsters Inc., The Incredibles, and especially Ratatouille are all masterpieces, but 5 movies does not a dynasty make. Finding Nemo was the most overrated movie in the past 7...
Ben Stiller ( non-comedian )
D It’s time someone broke the news: Ben Stiller isn’t funny. He just isn’t. He hasn’t been funny in the past, won’t be funny in the future, and definitely isn’t doing anything funny right now. He’s probably asleep actually. The least funny thing you can do at any given moment. “Should I crack a bad joke right now or take a nap? Oh I’ll...
Gas ( fuel )
F I don’t want to get all political, but I mean, honestly, can we cut the fucking shit? $3.89 a gallon?! What am I an asshole? Go fuck yourself.
Listen
E = MC2 ( album )
B + She’s done it again. Mariah’s freshest effort is even better than her last. With a good selection of both R&B jams and ballads, “the voice” has proven once again why she is the best of the best. Rather than watch some crack whore crash her Mercedes into a Ralph’s, why don’t you go pick up a copy of this sure to be platinum record? Here are some of...
"Bye Bye" ( song )
A I have to say, I nailed it. I predicted that the song “Migrate” would be preempted by a “ballad that will be her next single”. I was right. Mariah’s 2nd single “Bye Bye” was released today, and it is an awesomely overproduced R&B ballad. It is the exact song that is going to drive sales of her cd through the roof. Touch My Body was fun, and she...
March 2008
14 posts
Ranch Dressing ( condiment )
F I would like to start off by offering this link, http://www.nutritiondata.com/facts-C00001-01c21sF.html, which gives some nutritional information about America’s top selling salad dressing. These numbers are based on ONE TABLESPOON of dressing. If you’re dipping fries into Ranch, or dressing a normal sized salad, you’re more likely using somewhere between 150-200 grams of...
James Webb Space Telescope ( scientific instrument...
B + It’s about time that we usurped the fucking Hubble. I mean, it’s really passed its prime, isn’t it? The hubble telescope is like a 44 year old hooker. I’ll bang her but I’d rather be with a new model. The James Webb will be farther away from Earth, eliminating heat and light interference from our planet, and will be 5 times as powerful. This will be the...
Will Todisco ( actor )
A - Will Todisco is a combination of hilarity, charisma, and talent. He sings, he jokes, and he generally cares about you. Never have I met a more genuine person than this guy. I remember seeing him perform the Beatles song “Blackbird” and thinking - ‘this kid is gonna be big’. I’m glad to say - he is. Will is on his way to being the next great thing. I am...
"Migrate" ( song )
B + Mariah Carey has proven once again that she is the greatest singer/songwriter of this or any generation. After successfully writing a song that was too smart and funny for most of america, her second attempt off the upcoming E=MC2 LP is more of what popular music thrives on. It’s catchy, it has a ridiculous verse from T-Pain, and she belts all the great high notes at the end. ...
Old Navy Gray Sweatpants ( pants )
A We have lost a great warrior today. At approximately 2:08am, Monday the 17th, my gray sweatpants from Old Navy were burned and laid to rest. For 11 years, these warm, soft, fashionable leggings were a staple in my wardrobe. Whether going to the supermarket or to the discotech, gray sweatpants were the one pair of pants I could always count on. I remember making a Beer Pong table sophomore...
In-N-Out ( restaurant )
B After years of longing, I have had the In-N-Out experience, several times actually. I do have to say that it has been well worth the wait. The menu is simple, the prices are reasonable, and the food is tasty. They even have people come to your car to take your order with a wireless device so that when you get to the window, you just pay and pick up. Wonderful experience. Also, employees...
U.S. 101 ( freeway )
F Never has a highway been less planned out and stubborn. Even though we have the 5 and other interstate highways, people still insist on using this piece of shit road that is part of the literal busiest freeway interchange on Earth. Filled with shitty drivers, constant repair crews, and smog, this fucking death trap goes pretty much nowhere, except it takes a really long time to do it. It...
Notting Hill (movie)
C I have several problems with this “classic” from one of my favorite genre’s. The first, and perhaps most serious, is Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant is a moderately good looking guy that desparetely needs bottom braces and a speech therapist. He isn’t charistmatic or particularly fit, and he loves hookers. How am I, a rational viewer, supposed to believe that Julia Roberts,...
Pluto (ex-planet)
A - What a crock of shit. For 76 years Pluto was a full-fledged planet, and then the loons over at IAU strip it of its classification and call it just another object in the outer rim. The “planet” went from sharing its name with a Disney Charater and the Roman god of the underworld, to simply “object 134340”. 24601 might have been a little more appropriate. Where did...
Pancreatic Cancer (illness)
D + Pancreatic cancer is such a dickhead. I would fail Pancreatic Cancer on account of it being so commonly terminal, but then I would have no where to go with the likes of AIDS, Brain Tumors, and VX poisoning. This just goes to show you that even though men don’t have to Douche, treat Yeast infections, menstrate, full body shave, wax hair, pluck eyebrows, or suck dick, we still have to...
Gary Gygax (writer)
B + Gary Gygax, best known for inventing the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game, is dead. No phoenix down, revive spell, or priest incantation is bringing him back either. He was slain by a Level 22 Lich lord named Ravinox in the underrealm of Menzoberranzan. After 69 years and 190,000 experience points, he was finally bested in an epic, 3-hour long fight. After sustaining serious...
Truck Nuts (fad)
C - The only reason this is getting a passing grade is for the person that first thought of it. Anyone else that has a faux pair of testicles hanging from their truck deserves a bullet to the knee. I just can’t imagine someone having literally exhausted ALL ideas, to then finally come to the idea of hanging a replica of his nuts from the back of his truck bed. This sort of thing blows...
LA Marathon (event)
F Are we serious? Besides the fact that there were no deaths today ( there have been deaths in each of the past 2 marathons), there wasn’t even an exciting photo finish. Some Russian beat some Kenyan, which is akin to Rocky beating Ivan Drago, but let’s face it - who gives a shit? I’ll tell you what people really give a shit about : getting to work on time. Can’t...
Semi-Pro (movie)
D + Will Ferrell’s newest comedy is, in a word, terrible. After 15 minutes of throw-back Ferrell and hilarious imagery, the movie takes a drastic turn for the worse and never bounces back. It’s not that audiences are getting sick of Ferrell or this type of humor, it’s that this isn’t Ferrell and this isn’t humor. Jackie Moon, at his core, isn’t funny. He...